:: and you don't even feel a thing
Jun. 26th, 2011 08:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
geishadeconstructSorry I totally haven't been around for a few days. I wasn't feeling very well for awhile so I kind of avoided eeeeverything, including the internet, and I also had to take Lia to her therapy appt which pretty much always sucks because they don't like me. Idk why I feel like that, but I do, and it's really fucking stressful to have to sit in the waiting room for an hour or however long it takes (sometimes they go like way over) while the receptionist glares at me. Yanno, if you saw me going out you'd think I wouldn't give a shit but I really do sometimes. -___-;;
Also went to the doctor's on the same day so that didn't help either. I think they're angry with me because I keep going back and forth on getting help, because sometimes I'm like fuck I'm fucking destroying myself and make plans to actually work on getting at least a little bit better. But like those ever stick around. I mean, I usually start thinking about that when I get really sick and stuff and then once I've managed to get better I end up right in the same patterns I'm always in. I've been (mooooostly) sticking to my meal plan stuff and all that but I think they think I need to change that, and that kinda freaks me out a little, you know? :/
whatever.
Nooot thinking about that. INSTEAD. Meeeeeeme. :D
1. One thing you last thought about:
2. One thing that is next to you now:
3. Biggest dream:
4: One thing you can't live without (in an emotional way, don't cheat and say "food"/"water"/etc. ^^):
5. What makes you happy:
6. What are you listening to now/have listened to last:
7. What is particularly good/bad about my LJ/DW:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. Favorite place to be:
11. Favorite lyric:
12. Best time of the year:
13. Weirdest food you like:
14. If you're turned into a unicorn, what's the first thing you will do?
RECOMMEND
1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A song:
4: A band:
PLUS
1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Put this in your LJ/DW so I can tell you what I think of you?
Also went to the doctor's on the same day so that didn't help either. I think they're angry with me because I keep going back and forth on getting help, because sometimes I'm like fuck I'm fucking destroying myself and make plans to actually work on getting at least a little bit better. But like those ever stick around. I mean, I usually start thinking about that when I get really sick and stuff and then once I've managed to get better I end up right in the same patterns I'm always in. I've been (mooooostly) sticking to my meal plan stuff and all that but I think they think I need to change that, and that kinda freaks me out a little, you know? :/
whatever.
Nooot thinking about that. INSTEAD. Meeeeeeme. :D
1. One thing you last thought about:
2. One thing that is next to you now:
3. Biggest dream:
4: One thing you can't live without (in an emotional way, don't cheat and say "food"/"water"/etc. ^^):
5. What makes you happy:
6. What are you listening to now/have listened to last:
7. What is particularly good/bad about my LJ/DW:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. Favorite place to be:
11. Favorite lyric:
12. Best time of the year:
13. Weirdest food you like:
14. If you're turned into a unicorn, what's the first thing you will do?
RECOMMEND
1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A song:
4: A band:
PLUS
1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Put this in your LJ/DW so I can tell you what I think of you?
no subject
Date: 2011-06-27 02:17 am (UTC)Blugh, doctors. <.<. Seen enough of their faces recently. I reeeally sympathise with this whole second paragraph, so much you don't even know. It's like... what's the cute value of a basket of kittens... multiply it by 10... I sympathise that much. Something like that <.< I get so freaked out by the thought of changing meal plan. I mean... I have a tube thing now and that's good/bad, good because I feel "safe" with it like someone else is taking control for me. And bad because AAAAH CANNOT JUST STOP and CRAZY AMOUNT OF CALORIES and I swear, I used to think all Japanese actors were so thin and compare myself to them but now I am like watching movies and going BUT I DON'T WANT TO WEIGHT THAT MUCH AAAAH *head explode*
But yeah. I do the same thing. I get to a really bad place and I'm all... panic... I'm going to make my body break down and ruin myself. My heart is bad, my energy is zero, you know? And yetttt it is so tempting, I flirt with it even when I am being good. I think about it. I identify as it even though I'm in recovery, can't be good right? :{
Anyway~ Good luck with the meal plan! Hope it can be something okay and safe feeling for you. Just remember, is more easy to be fabulous if you have some energy to stay on the dance floor ^^ ♥
aaaand I should do your meme but I'm going to go back and reply to what you said on mine first because it is distracting me or something? @v@
no subject
Date: 2011-06-27 02:55 am (UTC)Ugh I know how that is in movies sometimes though alot of times I don't care how other people look, like, they'll still look skinny but I can't really compare myself to them? Whiiiich is totally distorted thinking and I know it is but it's not really something I can stop. :/ Plus it's hard to admit to Ela sometimes because she accuses me of being crazy all the time. .__.
Idk I think everyone always identifies if it's gotten really bad? Or I guess I couldn't really imagine not being ana because like I've been doing this since like, high school (and that was a looong time ago for me >.>). So even if I did recover I'd probably still think about it. And I don't really even have much interest in recovering, just like. I don't want to be constantly sick either so it's more like regulating than recovering for me.
Uugggh feeding tubes. >___< Couldn't be on one of those ever D: Even the meal plan is sometimes too much like letting other people control me even though I know I need it. Esp since sometimes I end up trying to convince myself I can live on drugs which is a lot easier to do when I'm high. :/ Lol two addictions that don't go well together.
Thank you for the lucks, though. :33
no subject
Date: 2011-06-27 02:50 am (UTC)1. One thing you last thought about: Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac (movie, I just started watching it)
2. One thing that is next to you now: Blue jay plushie (squeaks when you squash it! And sometimes when you roll over on it in the night.)
3. Biggest dream: Bringing wonder to the world and lifting it up.
4: One thing you can't live without (in an emotional way, don't cheat and say "food"/"water"/etc. ^^): Flight.
5. What makes you happy: Beauty. Magic. My room. Safe places. Love of friends. General love in the world. Strange dark things. People breaking down their boundaries and being their honest raw beautiful weird bleeding messed-up self.
6. What are you listening to now/have listened to last: That Gregorian "Ordinary World" o.o Before that, "Endless Dream" by Conjure One.
7. What is particularly good/bad about my LJ/DW: Your DW is so... it's so... *deep breath* It makes me want to be all *shine!* *emoticon!* ヽ(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)ﾉ and run around in circles! You have such a breathless exciting sense of fun I think.
8. An interesting fact about you: I feel like anyone that knows me knows most of the really interesting facts. (・∀・) I put them up front. Uh... I guess, I sometimes lie awake having a fantasy that I would get a particular magic power of transformation, so that I could run around turning everyone into what they want to be. Or if they don't want to be anything for permanent, they can be something fun for a night.
9. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment: Yes~
10. Favorite place to be: In the sky.
11. Favorite lyric: So many ;w; "I am a swan's wings, bloodied at the joint and pasted to a boy's back, like in that story" is a really beautiful one.
12. Best time of the year: Fall and winter.
13. Weirdest food you like: Chocolate almond milk? I don't know, everyone else thinks it's weird o.o
14. If you're turned into a unicorn, what's the first thing you will do? See if it's true that they have "virgin radar"? ^^; nuuuu... probably just go "yay, I can live on light and sparkles!" and then use my unicorn powers to give myself wings and be a pegacorn....
RECOMMEND
1. A film: Well, I recommended Black Swan to other people but you have seen it... I don't watch much movies ;w;
2. A book: I don't knowwwww what type of things you like?
3. A song: This... it's possible to see the lyrics as some kind of self-destructive or even ED/obsessive thing in that way... and I just like it~
4: A band: I don't knoooowwww ;w;
PLUS
1. One thing you like about me: YOU ARE LIKE A TON OF LIQUID GLITTER PUT INSIDE AN EXPLOSIVE AND LIT UP. It's amazing~
2. Two things you like about yourself: I like that I can have the courage to face myself. And, I like my colouring I guess? (my body, not my... skill at staying inside lines :P)
3. Put this in your LJ/DW so I can tell you what I think of you? I diiiidddd~~
no subject
Date: 2011-06-27 03:16 am (UTC)6. Haha the song I recced! You like :D?
9. ooooh~ do tell? ;P
Aw, I like the song you recced! It's not normally the stuff I listen to but it weirdly reminds me of Lia somehow? idek why. It was the images + the lyrics in the end that made me think of her.
Boooooks. Ummm, I like alot of fantasy stuff, actually, like high fantasy. THough I guess urban fantasy even if it's not...idk, it seems almost too mundane sometimes? Haaa. XP But yeah, like all that Tolkieny sword and sorcery shit with elves and stuff like that, that stuff I really love. :3 Also I read a lot of manga? >__> And I got into like, urban fiction for awhile but after a bit I was all "I could go out and live this instead of reading about it" so I went back to reading about elves. ^__^
I like that I can have the courage to face myself.
You are waaaaay better at this than me. :) And your skill at staying in lines comment made me loooool forever. XDD