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geishadeconstructEla keeps bringing up the fact that if I wanted to I could like, learn to fight and stay fit/thin by working out. (She and Mari were talking about it at the party when they ganged up on me and were like "you are eating a meal with us".) Which I guess is true in a way but completely misses the point of this whole thing. I don't really want to talk about it too much because that just feels weird to me but one, there's a huge thing I have about not getting above a certain point. And muscle weighs a helluva lot more than fat, okay, so even if I somehow magically packed on muscle but looked the same I would probably weight like 100 lbs more than I do now and that's a problem, okay?
Ok maybe not 100 lbs but whatever. Noooot the point.
There's also the thing that if I did actually work out, that would give a lot more muscle definition than I want. People would look at me and see a guy in a dress (well okay I don't really wear dresses or skirts as much as I did when I was a teenager/20s but I'd still be that guy in the really tight jeans >__>) and I DON'T want that. I honestly don't really get dysphoria about my own body that much but I feel like I would if people kept seeing me like that. I mean, I had some problems with it before I really learned how to pass and whatever but after that I didn't really get much of anything even though I was never on HRT and never made any surgery plans whatsoever. Pretty much I want people to see me the right way. And. I can't do that if my shoulders get any broader or some shit. I don't need to define my body anymore than it already is.
Plus if I ate normally my genetics would fuck me over anyway and I'd probably end up like my father, who's like idk 300 lbs. Ugh. I don't feel like I'm getting the right words anyway. It's not just about being thin or fit or whatever (lol like hell I'm fit and I know I can't hold my own against Ela or someone if they try to hit me or something). It's a whole fucking mess of shit that's tied into an image I have, but I guess it's not just that. This post shouldn't be taken to mean that I'm shallow and only have this problem because I want to be skinny, which is I guess the point I'm trying to get across, even though it turned into a post about the fact that I do want. It's not that I want it; it's that I don't want to get above a certain point I've set for myself, and it's because I want to present a specific way, and it's also because it's me determining my day or how I feel. Even if I didn't go into a lot of the last parts because it's hard to put into words and I don't like thinking about it. Ela and Mari don't really get it, because neither of them deal with it.
Yanno, it occurs to me that I should like, put trigger warnings on my posts or something but then I think, fuck it I'm a walking trigger anyway. I'm bad at policing my words when I'm talking and I'm bad at doing it when I'm writing.
Ok maybe not 100 lbs but whatever. Noooot the point.
There's also the thing that if I did actually work out, that would give a lot more muscle definition than I want. People would look at me and see a guy in a dress (well okay I don't really wear dresses or skirts as much as I did when I was a teenager/20s but I'd still be that guy in the really tight jeans >__>) and I DON'T want that. I honestly don't really get dysphoria about my own body that much but I feel like I would if people kept seeing me like that. I mean, I had some problems with it before I really learned how to pass and whatever but after that I didn't really get much of anything even though I was never on HRT and never made any surgery plans whatsoever. Pretty much I want people to see me the right way. And. I can't do that if my shoulders get any broader or some shit. I don't need to define my body anymore than it already is.
Plus if I ate normally my genetics would fuck me over anyway and I'd probably end up like my father, who's like idk 300 lbs. Ugh. I don't feel like I'm getting the right words anyway. It's not just about being thin or fit or whatever (lol like hell I'm fit and I know I can't hold my own against Ela or someone if they try to hit me or something). It's a whole fucking mess of shit that's tied into an image I have, but I guess it's not just that. This post shouldn't be taken to mean that I'm shallow and only have this problem because I want to be skinny, which is I guess the point I'm trying to get across, even though it turned into a post about the fact that I do want. It's not that I want it; it's that I don't want to get above a certain point I've set for myself, and it's because I want to present a specific way, and it's also because it's me determining my day or how I feel. Even if I didn't go into a lot of the last parts because it's hard to put into words and I don't like thinking about it. Ela and Mari don't really get it, because neither of them deal with it.
Yanno, it occurs to me that I should like, put trigger warnings on my posts or something but then I think, fuck it I'm a walking trigger anyway. I'm bad at policing my words when I'm talking and I'm bad at doing it when I'm writing.
no subject
Date: 2011-07-10 06:24 am (UTC)I am not triggered by it anyway (well okay, sometimes I am triggered by ED things if by trigger you mean "tempted to do the behaviour", but, I read ED things all the time anyway on purpose so I choose to put myself in that position). ^^
no subject
Date: 2011-07-11 01:22 am (UTC)Might add something later when I delurk and actually add the people I stalk >__>;; like in my profile or something. That this entire journal is a trigger and that people should probably like. Not friend me back if they don't feel they can deal with it. Iiiii don't know. But I'll think about that when I get around to that, I think.