:: and you don't even feel a thing

[geishadeconstruct]

Sorry I totally haven't been around for a few days. I wasn't feeling very well for awhile so I kind of avoided eeeeverything, including the internet, and I also had to take Lia to her therapy appt which pretty much always sucks because they don't like me. Idk why I feel like that, but I do, and it's really fucking stressful to have to sit in the waiting room for an hour or however long it takes (sometimes they go like way over) while the receptionist glares at me. Yanno, if you saw me going out you'd think I wouldn't give a shit but I really do sometimes. -___-;;

Also went to the doctor's on the same day so that didn't help either. I think they're angry with me because I keep going back and forth on getting help, because sometimes I'm like fuck I'm fucking destroying myself and make plans to actually work on getting at least a little bit better. But like those ever stick around. I mean, I usually start thinking about that when I get really sick and stuff and then once I've managed to get better I end up right in the same patterns I'm always in. I've been (mooooostly) sticking to my meal plan stuff and all that but I think they think I need to change that, and that kinda freaks me out a little, you know? :/

whatever.

Nooot thinking about that. INSTEAD. Meeeeeeme. :D

1. One thing you last thought about:
2. One thing that is next to you now:
3. Biggest dream:
4: One thing you can't live without (in an emotional way, don't cheat and say "food"/"water"/etc. ^^):
5. What makes you happy:
6. What are you listening to now/have listened to last:
7. What is particularly good/bad about my LJ/DW:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. Favorite place to be:
11. Favorite lyric:
12. Best time of the year:
13. Weirdest food you like:
14. If you're turned into a unicorn, what's the first thing you will do?

RECOMMEND
1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A song:
4: A band:

PLUS
1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Put this in your LJ/DW so I can tell you what I think of you?

Comments

[hakuchou]

I reeeeeally know about, the people who look the most awesome when they go out are probably the ones who are secretly "._." inside. Of course, you don't spend all that time looking good if you don't care.

Blugh, doctors. <.<. Seen enough of their faces recently. I reeeally sympathise with this whole second paragraph, so much you don't even know. It's like... what's the cute value of a basket of kittens... multiply it by 10... I sympathise that much. Something like that <.< I get so freaked out by the thought of changing meal plan. I mean... I have a tube thing now and that's good/bad, good because I feel "safe" with it like someone else is taking control for me. And bad because AAAAH CANNOT JUST STOP and CRAZY AMOUNT OF CALORIES and I swear, I used to think all Japanese actors were so thin and compare myself to them but now I am like watching movies and going BUT I DON'T WANT TO WEIGHT THAT MUCH AAAAH *head explode*

But yeah. I do the same thing. I get to a really bad place and I'm all... panic... I'm going to make my body break down and ruin myself. My heart is bad, my energy is zero, you know? And yetttt it is so tempting, I flirt with it even when I am being good. I think about it. I identify as it even though I'm in recovery, can't be good right? :{

Anyway~ Good luck with the meal plan! Hope it can be something okay and safe feeling for you. Just remember, is more easy to be fabulous if you have some energy to stay on the dance floor ^^ ♥

aaaand I should do your meme but I'm going to go back and reply to what you said on mine first because it is distracting me or something? @v@

[geishadeconstruct]

Haaa, yeah. >___> Though I look awesome whether I'm going out or not. Kind of a thing where if I'm going to get up I'm going to look good, sorta? I guess it doesn't help that I work from home alot too so I don't actually go out very often. (Also we have video conferences so I can't just lounge around naked or anything XD)

Ugh I know how that is in movies sometimes though alot of times I don't care how other people look, like, they'll still look skinny but I can't really compare myself to them? Whiiiich is totally distorted thinking and I know it is but it's not really something I can stop. :/ Plus it's hard to admit to Ela sometimes because she accuses me of being crazy all the time. .__.

Idk I think everyone always identifies if it's gotten really bad? Or I guess I couldn't really imagine not being ana because like I've been doing this since like, high school (and that was a looong time ago for me >.>). So even if I did recover I'd probably still think about it. And I don't really even have much interest in recovering, just like. I don't want to be constantly sick either so it's more like regulating than recovering for me.

Uugggh feeding tubes. >___< Couldn't be on one of those ever D: Even the meal plan is sometimes too much like letting other people control me even though I know I need it. Esp since sometimes I end up trying to convince myself I can live on drugs which is a lot easier to do when I'm high. :/ Lol two addictions that don't go well together.

Thank you for the lucks, though. :33