geishadeconstruct: (:: flesh is false - nothing's real)
Ela keeps bringing up the fact that if I wanted to I could like, learn to fight and stay fit/thin by working out. (She and Mari were talking about it at the party when they ganged up on me and were like "you are eating a meal with us".) Which I guess is true in a way but completely misses the point of this whole thing. I don't really want to talk about it too much because that just feels weird to me but one, there's a huge thing I have about not getting above a certain point. And muscle weighs a helluva lot more than fat, okay, so even if I somehow magically packed on muscle but looked the same I would probably weight like 100 lbs more than I do now and that's a problem, okay?

Ok maybe not 100 lbs but whatever. Noooot the point.

There's also the thing that if I did actually work out, that would give a lot more muscle definition than I want. People would look at me and see a guy in a dress (well okay I don't really wear dresses or skirts as much as I did when I was a teenager/20s but I'd still be that guy in the really tight jeans >__>) and I DON'T want that. I honestly don't really get dysphoria about my own body that much but I feel like I would if people kept seeing me like that. I mean, I had some problems with it before I really learned how to pass and whatever but after that I didn't really get much of anything even though I was never on HRT and never made any surgery plans whatsoever. Pretty much I want people to see me the right way. And. I can't do that if my shoulders get any broader or some shit. I don't need to define my body anymore than it already is.

Plus if I ate normally my genetics would fuck me over anyway and I'd probably end up like my father, who's like idk 300 lbs. Ugh. I don't feel like I'm getting the right words anyway. It's not just about being thin or fit or whatever (lol like hell I'm fit and I know I can't hold my own against Ela or someone if they try to hit me or something). It's a whole fucking mess of shit that's tied into an image I have, but I guess it's not just that. This post shouldn't be taken to mean that I'm shallow and only have this problem because I want to be skinny, which is I guess the point I'm trying to get across, even though it turned into a post about the fact that I do want. It's not that I want it; it's that I don't want to get above a certain point I've set for myself, and it's because I want to present a specific way, and it's also because it's me determining my day or how I feel. Even if I didn't go into a lot of the last parts because it's hard to put into words and I don't like thinking about it. Ela and Mari don't really get it, because neither of them deal with it.

Yanno, it occurs to me that I should like, put trigger warnings on my posts or something but then I think, fuck it I'm a walking trigger anyway. I'm bad at policing my words when I'm talking and I'm bad at doing it when I'm writing.
geishadeconstruct: (:: nothing but a fake disguise)
Sooooo omg.

The fourth. Was. Awesome. And I like totally forgot that I posted that thing with my phone last night. >____> Haaaa~

There are still people here, which is a little weird and I think I'm gonna kick them out soon but whatever, it's not like they can get into the parts of the house that actually matter and the rest of the place is like TRASHED right now. 9___9

Skylar's using a cut, this gon' be good )

Now I am going to take a motherfucking shower because I am still death warmed over and I need to feel like a person again. Ugh.

Oh god you guys I didn't even put any images in this. I will have to do a picspam at some point to make up for this WALL OF TEXT I just threw at you.
geishadeconstruct: (:: flesh is false - nothing's real)
Sorry I totally haven't been around for a few days. I wasn't feeling very well for awhile so I kind of avoided eeeeverything, including the internet, and I also had to take Lia to her therapy appt which pretty much always sucks because they don't like me. Idk why I feel like that, but I do, and it's really fucking stressful to have to sit in the waiting room for an hour or however long it takes (sometimes they go like way over) while the receptionist glares at me. Yanno, if you saw me going out you'd think I wouldn't give a shit but I really do sometimes. -___-;;

Also went to the doctor's on the same day so that didn't help either. I think they're angry with me because I keep going back and forth on getting help, because sometimes I'm like fuck I'm fucking destroying myself and make plans to actually work on getting at least a little bit better. But like those ever stick around. I mean, I usually start thinking about that when I get really sick and stuff and then once I've managed to get better I end up right in the same patterns I'm always in. I've been (mooooostly) sticking to my meal plan stuff and all that but I think they think I need to change that, and that kinda freaks me out a little, you know? :/

whatever.

Nooot thinking about that. INSTEAD. Meeeeeeme. :D

1. One thing you last thought about:
2. One thing that is next to you now:
3. Biggest dream:
4: One thing you can't live without (in an emotional way, don't cheat and say "food"/"water"/etc. ^^):
5. What makes you happy:
6. What are you listening to now/have listened to last:
7. What is particularly good/bad about my LJ/DW:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. Favorite place to be:
11. Favorite lyric:
12. Best time of the year:
13. Weirdest food you like:
14. If you're turned into a unicorn, what's the first thing you will do?

RECOMMEND
1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A song:
4: A band:

PLUS
1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Put this in your LJ/DW so I can tell you what I think of you?
geishadeconstruct: (:: strange kind of feeling)
I was going to write this thing about today, but I find it's a lot easier to deal with if I do it with gifs and macros and other random shit I found on the internet.

SO I WOKE UP AND I WAS ALL LIKE:


AND I WAS ALL LOL SKYLAR MEBBE BREAKFAST AND LIEK A NORMAL FUCKING ROUTINE ONCE IN AWHILE WOULD HELP, HERP DERP. EXCEPT:


only opposite of how this usually interpreted -___-

SO THEN I WAS ALL WELL FUCK THIS NOISE WHAT'S IN THE LIQUOR CABINET? THAT'S LIKE BREAKFAST.



AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS? IT WAS TIME TO:



AND DANCE AROUND THE HOUSE LIKE A MAD THING WITH LIA. 8D





Except I still don't feel all that much better than I did when I woke up and I reallyreallyreally reeeeeeealllllly wish Ela would just come home because I have no idea where she is and for some reason right now I am flipping my shit over it. I would like to not be flippin' no shit up in here kthnx.

Also why did I do this I hate drinking .__.

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dead angel

January 2013

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