Jul. 9th, 2011

geishadeconstruct: (:: flesh is false - nothing's real)
Ela keeps bringing up the fact that if I wanted to I could like, learn to fight and stay fit/thin by working out. (She and Mari were talking about it at the party when they ganged up on me and were like "you are eating a meal with us".) Which I guess is true in a way but completely misses the point of this whole thing. I don't really want to talk about it too much because that just feels weird to me but one, there's a huge thing I have about not getting above a certain point. And muscle weighs a helluva lot more than fat, okay, so even if I somehow magically packed on muscle but looked the same I would probably weight like 100 lbs more than I do now and that's a problem, okay?

Ok maybe not 100 lbs but whatever. Noooot the point.

There's also the thing that if I did actually work out, that would give a lot more muscle definition than I want. People would look at me and see a guy in a dress (well okay I don't really wear dresses or skirts as much as I did when I was a teenager/20s but I'd still be that guy in the really tight jeans >__>) and I DON'T want that. I honestly don't really get dysphoria about my own body that much but I feel like I would if people kept seeing me like that. I mean, I had some problems with it before I really learned how to pass and whatever but after that I didn't really get much of anything even though I was never on HRT and never made any surgery plans whatsoever. Pretty much I want people to see me the right way. And. I can't do that if my shoulders get any broader or some shit. I don't need to define my body anymore than it already is.

Plus if I ate normally my genetics would fuck me over anyway and I'd probably end up like my father, who's like idk 300 lbs. Ugh. I don't feel like I'm getting the right words anyway. It's not just about being thin or fit or whatever (lol like hell I'm fit and I know I can't hold my own against Ela or someone if they try to hit me or something). It's a whole fucking mess of shit that's tied into an image I have, but I guess it's not just that. This post shouldn't be taken to mean that I'm shallow and only have this problem because I want to be skinny, which is I guess the point I'm trying to get across, even though it turned into a post about the fact that I do want. It's not that I want it; it's that I don't want to get above a certain point I've set for myself, and it's because I want to present a specific way, and it's also because it's me determining my day or how I feel. Even if I didn't go into a lot of the last parts because it's hard to put into words and I don't like thinking about it. Ela and Mari don't really get it, because neither of them deal with it.

Yanno, it occurs to me that I should like, put trigger warnings on my posts or something but then I think, fuck it I'm a walking trigger anyway. I'm bad at policing my words when I'm talking and I'm bad at doing it when I'm writing.

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dead angel

January 2013

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