> Filter!

Jun. 19th, 2020 12:13 am
geishadeconstruct: (:: won't you love me? reconstruct me?)


Everybody it is ~*~Opt-In Filter Time~*~



Soooo I'm making a filter for all my super weird crap I post about. I mean shit that's weirder than the drugs and clubs and like, ana stuff and whatever. Basically the stuff I'm not gonna be talking about in public because either people would be all "whaaaaat Skylar you're crazy" or...yeah, basically that's it.

Commenting ain't gonna getcha a guaranteed spot, but it'll put you into consideration. :*

So comment!



(I totally did not post this for like an hour because I couldn't find an appropriate picture to blog with it. 9__9 Expect this to be edited liek whoa the minute I find one.)
geishadeconstruct: (:: why I need this automation)
Heyyyyy babies~

I know, it's been fucking forever. A loooot of shit has gone down and ummm basically my life is kind of shit right now and fucking has been for a goddamn long time. I've fucking lost my job (though there's some legal shit I'm dealing with wrt that and I might not actually? Complicateddd~) and Lia and pretty much any fucking control I've ever had on anything. Back on meds and in therapy (nooot that I was really out of it before I was just really bad about going? >___>;;haa) baaaasically by force because otherwise I woulda lost Mimi and I don't know if I could've fucking dealt with that. Sooo. Yyyyep! That's what's happening. Fucking wonderful.

At least Ela's still around and like. Idk I guess putting up with me. Even if she was the one who fucking betrayed me to the police and had me dragged off to an institution. Like. I can't. Everyone keeps saying "oh you'll forgive her, you'll see it was better this way" but I guess I'm not to that point yet, you know? But she's still like, sticking by me. Which is good I guess, unless she's just doing it to watch me and make sure I don't fuck up again.

Let's be real here, I'm probly gonna fuck up again. I mean, we know me, right?

I miss my fucking house. I feel so goddamn exposed in this one.

Idk when I'll be back but hopefully shit'll be better because fuck, my life has been depressing as balls lately and there's no point in writing about it for everyone to see. Idk babies leave me happy things? :( I'll give you gifs in return even if I don't have the ol collection anymore?

ETA luuuuulz I was totally going to post a gif into this but I can't even upload shit to the internet correctly anymore so fuck youuu tooooo, life. (.______.)
geishadeconstruct: (:: won't you love me? reconstruct me?)
Soooo this was supposed to be a 30 day challenge whatever buuuut the person I stole it from cut out some questions and posted it all at once ad I couldn't find the actual source. And I WAS just gonna do a short 25 day version but then I sat down and answered all the questions all at once, so it seems kinda like, pointless to post them in tiny bits? XD Soo yeah.

I'll be nice though and use a cut 9__9 )
geishadeconstruct: (:: flesh is false - nothing's real)
Ela keeps bringing up the fact that if I wanted to I could like, learn to fight and stay fit/thin by working out. (She and Mari were talking about it at the party when they ganged up on me and were like "you are eating a meal with us".) Which I guess is true in a way but completely misses the point of this whole thing. I don't really want to talk about it too much because that just feels weird to me but one, there's a huge thing I have about not getting above a certain point. And muscle weighs a helluva lot more than fat, okay, so even if I somehow magically packed on muscle but looked the same I would probably weight like 100 lbs more than I do now and that's a problem, okay?

Ok maybe not 100 lbs but whatever. Noooot the point.

There's also the thing that if I did actually work out, that would give a lot more muscle definition than I want. People would look at me and see a guy in a dress (well okay I don't really wear dresses or skirts as much as I did when I was a teenager/20s but I'd still be that guy in the really tight jeans >__>) and I DON'T want that. I honestly don't really get dysphoria about my own body that much but I feel like I would if people kept seeing me like that. I mean, I had some problems with it before I really learned how to pass and whatever but after that I didn't really get much of anything even though I was never on HRT and never made any surgery plans whatsoever. Pretty much I want people to see me the right way. And. I can't do that if my shoulders get any broader or some shit. I don't need to define my body anymore than it already is.

Plus if I ate normally my genetics would fuck me over anyway and I'd probably end up like my father, who's like idk 300 lbs. Ugh. I don't feel like I'm getting the right words anyway. It's not just about being thin or fit or whatever (lol like hell I'm fit and I know I can't hold my own against Ela or someone if they try to hit me or something). It's a whole fucking mess of shit that's tied into an image I have, but I guess it's not just that. This post shouldn't be taken to mean that I'm shallow and only have this problem because I want to be skinny, which is I guess the point I'm trying to get across, even though it turned into a post about the fact that I do want. It's not that I want it; it's that I don't want to get above a certain point I've set for myself, and it's because I want to present a specific way, and it's also because it's me determining my day or how I feel. Even if I didn't go into a lot of the last parts because it's hard to put into words and I don't like thinking about it. Ela and Mari don't really get it, because neither of them deal with it.

Yanno, it occurs to me that I should like, put trigger warnings on my posts or something but then I think, fuck it I'm a walking trigger anyway. I'm bad at policing my words when I'm talking and I'm bad at doing it when I'm writing.
geishadeconstruct: (:: nothing but a fake disguise)
Sooooo omg.

The fourth. Was. Awesome. And I like totally forgot that I posted that thing with my phone last night. >____> Haaaa~

There are still people here, which is a little weird and I think I'm gonna kick them out soon but whatever, it's not like they can get into the parts of the house that actually matter and the rest of the place is like TRASHED right now. 9___9

Skylar's using a cut, this gon' be good )

Now I am going to take a motherfucking shower because I am still death warmed over and I need to feel like a person again. Ugh.

Oh god you guys I didn't even put any images in this. I will have to do a picspam at some point to make up for this WALL OF TEXT I just threw at you.
geishadeconstruct: (Default)
MImi is runnina round with a spsrkler as big as her rn it is probly the cutest thing EVAR


Also am syoer fucking high rn & juuuust pretty muhc fucked out. only not rly. >__-> :D

EPIC party @ my house tonite. will write abot when am not on phone & 3498734787234 kinds of uppers. hoooooly shit.
geishadeconstruct: (:: flesh is false - nothing's real)
Sorry I totally haven't been around for a few days. I wasn't feeling very well for awhile so I kind of avoided eeeeverything, including the internet, and I also had to take Lia to her therapy appt which pretty much always sucks because they don't like me. Idk why I feel like that, but I do, and it's really fucking stressful to have to sit in the waiting room for an hour or however long it takes (sometimes they go like way over) while the receptionist glares at me. Yanno, if you saw me going out you'd think I wouldn't give a shit but I really do sometimes. -___-;;

Also went to the doctor's on the same day so that didn't help either. I think they're angry with me because I keep going back and forth on getting help, because sometimes I'm like fuck I'm fucking destroying myself and make plans to actually work on getting at least a little bit better. But like those ever stick around. I mean, I usually start thinking about that when I get really sick and stuff and then once I've managed to get better I end up right in the same patterns I'm always in. I've been (mooooostly) sticking to my meal plan stuff and all that but I think they think I need to change that, and that kinda freaks me out a little, you know? :/

whatever.

Nooot thinking about that. INSTEAD. Meeeeeeme. :D

1. One thing you last thought about:
2. One thing that is next to you now:
3. Biggest dream:
4: One thing you can't live without (in an emotional way, don't cheat and say "food"/"water"/etc. ^^):
5. What makes you happy:
6. What are you listening to now/have listened to last:
7. What is particularly good/bad about my LJ/DW:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. Favorite place to be:
11. Favorite lyric:
12. Best time of the year:
13. Weirdest food you like:
14. If you're turned into a unicorn, what's the first thing you will do?

RECOMMEND
1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A song:
4: A band:

PLUS
1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Put this in your LJ/DW so I can tell you what I think of you?
geishadeconstruct: (:: kill you and fuck the body <3)
Okay the communities that I am finding on here so far as like, so dead they're fucking zombies at this point. At least for anything I'm interested in.

Fruuuuuustratinnnnng.
geishadeconstruct: (:: strange kind of feeling)
I was going to write this thing about today, but I find it's a lot easier to deal with if I do it with gifs and macros and other random shit I found on the internet.

SO I WOKE UP AND I WAS ALL LIKE:


AND I WAS ALL LOL SKYLAR MEBBE BREAKFAST AND LIEK A NORMAL FUCKING ROUTINE ONCE IN AWHILE WOULD HELP, HERP DERP. EXCEPT:


only opposite of how this usually interpreted -___-

SO THEN I WAS ALL WELL FUCK THIS NOISE WHAT'S IN THE LIQUOR CABINET? THAT'S LIKE BREAKFAST.



AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS? IT WAS TIME TO:



AND DANCE AROUND THE HOUSE LIKE A MAD THING WITH LIA. 8D





Except I still don't feel all that much better than I did when I woke up and I reallyreallyreally reeeeeeealllllly wish Ela would just come home because I have no idea where she is and for some reason right now I am flipping my shit over it. I would like to not be flippin' no shit up in here kthnx.

Also why did I do this I hate drinking .__.
geishadeconstruct: (:: kill you and fuck the body <3)


If I could actually get tattoos I gotta admit I would be so fucking tempted to do this.

Also I am so fucking hungry right now omg yinz don't even know. ;___;
geishadeconstruct: (:: flesh is false - nothing's real)
So I wasn't really going to air this right away or anything but I also wasn't expecting a fucking email from the administration of Mimi's school misgendering me again even though we've been dealing with these guys for four fucking years already and they know that I'm not her father.

Of all the reasons I'm a terrible parent, my gender does not even enter into the equation. Not on the fucking list.
geishadeconstruct: (:: hottest bitch in heels right here)
So I might have woken up four hours ago. Yeah. At 8. This is what happens when you work at home: ZERO SLEEP SCHEDULE. 8D But this means I can spend some time repairing all the shit that exploded during my three-hour nap yesterday.

Last night was fucking epic, by the way. I have to remember to leave the house to do that more often, and it was so good to see Mari again (as you might have guessed from my last entries). She looks fucking amazing now, no shit. But yeah, we went to dinner and she insisted on paying for her half, and then out to the club. Far too much to drink, and since this was one of the ones I frequent, I knew exactly where to get what I needed, since Mari's decided she's not enabling me anymore. :( So yeah, way too drunk and way too high, but really fucking hard night anyway. In a good way.

A really good way. Shit, I needed that.

Ended up going back to Mari's at like 4am, because she wanted to grab food again after the clubs closed. At least this time she didn't try to get me to have anything. Greasy spoon food -- NO THANKS esp being so fucked up. I'd just throw it all back up again. Ugh. But yeah, got back to her place at 4 and put her to bed (no Ela not like that) and then ended up spending the rest of the night making her old desktop work again. There is like, nothing to do in her house except that and watch TV and late-night television gets really boring if you don't have the interesting channels. I hung around until she woke up again (had to sober up), she tried to make me breakfast, I gave her what I owed her for her rent (lol that sounds like I'm paying a hooker or something, uh no) and took off for home.

I don't know what it is with me. I fucking forget how much I love being out with people when I'm in the house so I turn into a fucking crazy cat lady. Except. I don't like our cats. (The only reason we still have them around is because of Lia, seriously.) But then someone drags me out or I just make myself leave and I'm like, why the fuck did I ever sit in the house for a month? Because this is the best thing ever! I always end up feeling a little more normal after a night out like this. Usually, I guess.

I don't think about it too hard most of the time.
geishadeconstruct: (:: don't you know that you're toxic?)
Leaving now to pick up Mari~~ So excite. :3

I need happy icons.
geishadeconstruct: (delete internet :))
Everything. Is going wrong. -___- Had to cancel the lunch/shopping plan with Mari last minute (still doing dinner/clubs though thankfully) because of SURPRISE! CONFERENCE! Had to deal with phone call from father. Feeling really ill and probably because I need to eat. Also stepped in cat vomit like right when I woke up and someday I swear I'm going to light all the goddamn cats on fire. Going to have to do surprise!conference on like. Three hours of sleep. Because. It's in an hour. (Talk about ample warning.) Also some of my systems crashed and burned during said three hours of sleep so now those are fucked and I'm going to have to spend a lot of extra time rebuilding those after I figured out what went wrong with them. Hate life.

Bah also xposting isn't working. :(
geishadeconstruct: (:: don't you know that you're toxic?)
So, journal, we meet again on the field of battle. Okay, so I haven't had a DW before, but whatever. Turns out I haven't much to report, since I've literally been in the house for two weeks or something like that. Lia and I got groceries once in there. Well, and I took Mimi to school and picked her up, like one does. But yeah, going a leeeeettle stir crazy up in here.

I did make another run all the way through Persona 2 though. >__>

BUT.

Tomorrow night I am going out with ~Mari~! I know, DW, you allll care. But I haven't seen her in forever, despite the fact that we live in the same city. So I am all



In between work and staring at ze vidyas, visitors to our grand estate might have found me dancing around the place to this:



I'd say I have no idea how a song could be that addictive but that's a lie because I totally do. Also, Madonna's hair. <3

123

Jun. 14th, 2011 04:17 am
geishadeconstruct: (:: don't you know that you're toxic?)
New journal. Testing out the whole crossposting crap. I'll actually make this better in the morning when I don't have the mother of all headaches omg.

Lol. I say in the morning as if it's not 5am right now. 8D
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